


erosion.

by scepterofstardust



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Yata's dumb ass just really loves Saru alright, and he wishes he could have done better for him and he never really stopped feeling guilty, and he's kinda dumb so he's just now realizing the full scale of the damage, i apologize but not sincerely, i guess?? surprise surprise my sarumi fics are always just pain, i love them and idk why i always put them through this shit, pls be advised i cried a little writing this, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-25 03:57:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14968598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scepterofstardust/pseuds/scepterofstardust
Summary: Over time, Yata sees the wounds Saruhiko can no longer hide. (Inspired by "Tightrope" from The Greatest Showman soundtrack.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuses...I'm back for Sarumi Fest YET AGAIN with an angsty fic because you can never have enough of those :))) Sorry it's not as long as usual, I'm recovering from a really severe depressive episode and low blood sugar/sodium/iron levels so my brain is still a little muddled ;_; I hope you enjoy!

There are times when nothing feels real to Saruhiko. Some base, logic-obsessed part of him knows better, but he seems to lose contact with it often. The result is nights like this. He's sitting outside on the balcony, freezing in his sleeping clothes. Their apartment behind him seems to be crumbling to dust, nonexistent in his memory. He's staring out at the city street, mind blank as he descends further into panic.

Sometimes he finds himself petrified, unable to accept that things are better than they once were. He remembers Yata letting go of his hand more clearly than his bedhead in the morning and it kills him that he can't make it stop, can't make his mind see reason.

"Saru?" He jumps. Normally, Yata would never be able to sneak up on him. "What are you doing out here? It's freezing." 

"Nothing," he says numbly, struggling to return to the present moment.

"Uh huh." Yata sits beside him, shivering. "You do realize it's winter? Now really isn't the most convenient time to be brooding outside."

"Mm."

"Are you alright?" Yata touches his arm lightly.

"Yeah...yeah. Just thinking." Saruhiko shrugs, letting Yata scoot closer.

"I can see that. What are you thinking about, though? You have that look."

"What look?" Saruhiko scoffs.

"The one where you're trying to kill your feelings because they're inconvenient." Yata raises his eyebrows. "I'm right, aren't I?"

"I hate you," Saruhiko says without any heat. 

"Mmhm. Talk to me, then." Saruhiko looks down at him for a moment.

"What if it's about you?"

"Well, what else is new? You're obsessed with me."

"Don't make me swear. I'm tired."

"Okay, okay. I don't care. Please talk to me instead of brooding." Saruhiko presses his lips into a thin line, looking out at the city.

"I couldn't sleep very well. I kept thinking about the past."

"What about it?" There's a beat of silence, and Yata can't help but notice how tired Saru looks in the city lights.

"You promised that we would always be together," Saru murmurs. Even though it wasn't meant to be an accusation, an attack, Yata still flinches. 

"I didn't keep any of my promises, Saru," Misaki whispers after a moment, so quiet the wind almost carries him away. His thumb is running gently over Saruhiko's fingers as if he'll shatter with too much pressure. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right. We ended up here again anyways. I didn't lose you in the end." Saru's calm tone betrays the pain in his eyes.

"No, you didn't. But I let myself lose you and...I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have been so stupid." Yata's eyes are stinging, and he looks down at their joined hands, ashamed.

"It was me who was stupid. I believed in you enough to follow you anywhere but not enough to tell you how I felt. That was my fault." Saruhiko squeezes his hand once, an assurance. "Besides, we're okay, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Yata smiles, resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "We are."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to talk lots in the comments! thank you for reading my fics!
> 
> come scream at me about k project, or anything really:  
> @lunatic_yoongi on twitter  
> @scepterofstardust on kkt


	2. Chapter 2

 

Yata learns Saruhiko's truths slowly. (It's like some sort of human erosion, he thinks. The wind and water weathers away at him until the hopes and the horrors poke out.)

 

Saruhiko lets him in, grudgingly, piece by piece. It starts with the surface.

 

Yata comes inside one night to Saruhiko washing his face in the bathroom. He's wearing a t-shirt and shorts, looking as tired from work as ever. On his ankle, there's a scar, healed over white but gruesome nonetheless. There's some like it already, hidden in his ribs and thighs, from the thousands of knifefights that happened while Yata was gone. 

 

But he's seen all of them, except this one.

 

"What happened?" Saruhiko glances up, startled. He furrows his brow in confusion. "That mark on your ankle."

 

"Oh. It's old. I rolled my ankle a bit on duty and it got inflamed."

 

"It is? I don't think I've ever seen it. Did it happen after you started at Scepter Four?"

 

It's too many questions at once, more than he would usually dare ask, and Yata expects Saruhiko to deflect it, to give a vague, half-assed answer and never speak of it again. He doesn't do any of those things.

 

He straightens up and they make direct eye contact in the mirror. It sends a chill down his spine. There's a fog over Saruhiko's eyes, ghosts, the same glaze he recognizes from after his father's funeral and the day he left HOMRA.

 

"No." Saruhiko says it slowly, uncertain.

 

"No?"

 

"It's from junior high."

 

"Why haven't I seen that one, then? I've seen all the others before." Saruhiko swallows thickly.

 

"Because I didn't want you to." Yata could swear Saru's grown even paler in the harsh light.

 

"Why...why wouldn't you want me to?" There's a brief silence, and Yata thinks his boyfriend won't continue. Saruhiko inhales deeply.

 

"I didn't want you to know how bad it was. You would've asked questions I couldn't answer."

 

"How bad what was?" Yata feels worry slowly squeezing at his lungs.

 

"Do you remember when I hurt my ankle?" It's not a direct answer, and Yata wants to scream.

 

"You mean that time you fell off your bike? Yeah, I remember."

 

"I didn't fall off my bike. I just told you that because I couldn't tell you the truth."

 

"Why not?" Yata frowns.

 

"I just...I couldn't." Saruhiko is staring down at his lap.

 

"So what really happened? That's a nasty scar."

 

"I jumped out of a three story window. I landed on my ankle wrong and it nearly shattered."

 

"What the hell? What window?"

 

"My room window." Yata's mouth fell open, remembering exactly how high up it had been.

 

"Why would you do that?" Saruhiko meets his eyes again, and he takes a few moments to respond.

 

"Because my father was chasing me." Saruhiko's empty stare is chilling. "I had to get out of there. I limped all the way to your house praying he wouldn't follow me. Your mother drove me to the clinic and that's when I made up the excuse about the bike." Yata is stunned, replaying what's left of that day in his memories. He remembers the intense worry, helping Saruhiko get into their car and carrying his things at school despite his irritated protests.

 

It was a much bleaker emergency than he had realized. As were most of those moments, back when Yata was too stupid to know the signs.

 

(Maybe he still was.)

 

"You deserved better than that," he manages quietly.

 

"I didn't." His boyfriend says automatically. Lacking self importance was a terrible habit of his.

 

"Yes, you did." Yata insists. Saruhiko smiles weakly.

 

"Well, I had better, didn't I?" Yata's heart almost stops, and his eyes sting. He blinks, taken aback.

 

"Yeah," he agrees softly past the lump in his throat. "You still do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to talk lots in the comments! thank you for reading my fics!
> 
> come scream at me about k project, or anything really:  
> @lunatic_yoongi on twitter  
> @scepterofstardust on kkt


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

To say that Yata is angry is an understatement. He's fucking  _fuming_ , hands trembling with anxiety and steps too loud in the back of the medical vehicle.

 

"Yata, don't argue with him. You know how he is." Yata waves dismissively over his shoulder at Izumo, who sighs in exasperation.

 

"What the hell were you thinking?" Yata snaps. Saruhiko, carefully testing the bandages wrapped underneath his uniform, winces at his volume.

 

"Please calm down."

 

"No thanks," Yata snorted. "You want to explain your battle strategy to me?"

 

"Not unless you want to train here for several months to be admitted into the high ranks, no, not really."

 

"Don't be a smartass with me. Saru, you jumped in front of that strain like it was no big deal."

 

"Well, it wasn't."

 

"Yeah, sure." Yata snorted. "He cut a big gash down your side and barely missed an organ and it's no big deal." Saruhiko sighs and looks up at him with eyebrows raised.

 

"if there's a point, Misaki, please make it. I'm too tired to argue."

 

"My point is, you shouldn't have done that. If he escaped we would've been able to track him down again. It was reckless and stupid and-"

 

"Why?" Saruhiko interrupts. Yata sputters for a moment, shocked. 

 

"W-Why?" Saruhiko's tone is conversational, his expression curious. It's innocent, like his little siblings when they looked up at him and asked why the sky was blue. Something about it twists his stomach, and he frowns. "Are you serious?"

 

"Yes. Why shouldn't I? Why are you making such a fuss?"

 

"Saru..." Yata is staring at him, evaluating his features to detect some sort of signal that he's being played with. But Saru appears entirely serious and nonchalant.

 

"It's my job. I don't understand why this is so upsetting to you," Saruhiko says, shaking his head. "Why shouldn't I go after him?"

 

"Because...because he's dangerous, and he had a knife, and...you got hurt..." Saruhiko's watching him with dark eyes, entirely unconvinced. "Jesus, Saruhiko. Do you really not understand? Are you really gonna make me say it?"

 

"It appears so. You're as eloquent as ever." Yata scowls.

 

"I'm not lacking in eloquence. You're just a dumbass." Yata rubs a hand over his face, exasperated. "You shouldn't do things like that because...because-" 

 

"Yes?" Saruhiko asks sarcastically.

 

"Shut the fuck up," Yata explodes, holding up a threatening finger. "You shouldn't do things like that because I care about you and you gave me a fucking heart attack. You can't go around putting yourself at risk on purpose like that. You could've let him go but instead you practically flung yourself into harm's way and I don't know what makes you so goddamn reckless with your own safety but it needs to stop." Saruhiko's eyes have gone wide, and he's frozen in place. "I'm not spending every day wondering if you've flung yourself in front of a car or a rogue strain because you're apparently unconcerned about coming back in one piece. Maybe it's not a big deal to you but it matters to me that you're not bleeding out somewhere. It's like you're daring someone to kill you and I hate it, I-" Yata collapses down on the medical bed, raking a hand through his hair. "I hate it, I hate it so much. What are you doing, Saru?"

There's a few seconds of silence, and for a horrifying moment Yata thinks he's gone too far and Saruhiko will walk out on him. His boyfriend stays still as a statue.

 

"I'm sorry," Saruhiko whispers eventually. "I didn't realize it would upset you this much." He seems to have shrunken into himself, shoulders hunched in defense, and Yata's stomach aches.     

 

"It's okay," Yata breathes. "It's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rant like that, I just...I just don't understand, that's all. You were reckless when we were kids but it seems like it's gotten a thousand times worse and it scares the shit out of me." Saruhiko is looking down on him, chewing on his lip until it's raw.

 

"You were right. I just...when I left, I had no one and I...I'd cut myself off from everything, and I guess...I guess I just stopped caring about what happened to me. I was alone in the field so it wasn't like there could be collateral damage...I got too used to taking whatever risks I wanted." The admission is not what Yata expected, exactly, and he's speechless. He sits up, taking one of Saru's hands.

 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you. I just...I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I wish you'd try to be a little more careful. That's all."

 

"It's okay," Saru says slowly. "I will. For you."  

 

"For you, too," Yata amends, holding tight. "Keep yourself safe. Please."

 

He can see in his eyes that Saru doesn't think he should. That he doesn't believe in what Yata's saying. He smiles anyways, does his best. He doesn't get injured in battle for five months. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to talk lots in the comments! thank you for reading my fics!
> 
> come scream at me about k project, or anything really:  
> @lunatic_yoongi on twitter  
> @scepterofstardust on kkt


	4. Chapter 4

It still haunts Yata. The idea that Saruhiko has been hurt so much, that he doesn't have a sense of self-preservation. The idea that it's partially his fault for leaving him behind.

 

He feels like he's missing something crucial, something he was too obtuse to think of, so he talks to the only person who might know Saruhiko almost as well as he does. The person who's annoyingly observant.

 

_"Quite honestly, I can't be entirely certain. You know better than most that Fushimi doesn't talk about himself unless absolutely necessary. He's never outright told me anything about his past. All I know is what I can guess from others and his behavior-"_

 

_"Quit it. I'm done with your dramatic bullshit." Reisi doesn't laugh as he expects him to._

 

_"Fair enough. If you want my opinion, I...believe, unfortunately, that Fushimi was probably abused in his earlier years. How, exactly, I can't say. But, he's indifferent to affection for the most part, and has an intense dislike of authoritative figures. He also gets very irritated if people startle him or don't alert him of their presence. Domyoji nearly got a knife in his head when he scared him as a prank, and as amusing as that was, his reaction was rather concerning."_

 

Yata is not surprised by his words, not really, but he still feels devastated. He thinks of all the warning signs he'd missed. How he made everything worse by leaving him alone. How many times Saruhiko had fainted at school or at Yata's house, and he had assumed it was simply because he was sick. The endless nightmares when they had lived together and when he moved back in. How Saru would wake up hyperventilating and shaking, sometimes even crying. How he had once scared Saruhiko in the dark of their apartment thinking it would be funny and how genuinely terrified Saruhiko looked.

 

He was too young for that kind of horror. Or at least, he should have been. How much pain had he suffered while he was ignorant? Or worse, while he hadn't even been there?

 

He should have figured it out back then. He should have known how badly Saru needed his protection. The horror at what could have happened to him if Yata hadn't been with him is overwhelming. Would he be the same person without any love? Would he have become someone Yata fought on the streets?

 

Would he still be alive?

 

The guilt and anger gets to be too much for him, the endless what-ifs and wishes that he could turn back time. It's all too much, and one night, he finds himself unable to breathe, staring at Saruhiko's back in the dark. They'd turned the lights off hours ago, but he hadn't been able to sleep, thoughts restless and loud. 

 

_I guess I just stopped caring what happened to me._

His heart is snapping in half. It's excruciating.

 

The tears catch him unaware, dripping onto his hands as he cries quietly.

 

He wishes he could make it all go away, heal his best friend like he always could, but he knows it's too late. It kills him.

 

Before he knows what he's doing, he's leaning forward to hug the sleeping boy next to him. Saru murmurs something unintelligible, shifting a bit. Yata holds tighter, willing himself not to make any noise.

 

"Are you cold?" Saru mumbles, slightly annoyed at his sleep being interrupted. "You have flame powers. We've been over this." When Yata doesn't respond, he sighs. "Are you even awake?" Burying his face in Saru's shirt, he nods. "Why are you trying to crush my organs?"

 

Yata chokes, and more tears slide down his face.

 

"Shut up," he hisses, weakly punching his boyfriend's spine. Saru goes stiff, twisting around to try and look at him. Yata continues to hide, clutching onto him like his life depends on it.

 

"Misaki?" Saruhiko asks cautiously. "Are you okay?" Wordlessly, Yata shakes his head and sniffles. "What's wrong?"

 

"I, um..." Yata's voice sounds watery and all wrong, even to his own ears. "S-Saru."

 

"Hey," Saruhiko finally manages to flip over, his dark eyes wide. "Are you crying? What's the matter?" Yata shakes his head again, cheeks shining wet in the moonlight.

 

"S-Sorry," he manages. Saru gently cups his face with a hand, frowning.

 

"Don't apologize, are you alright? Did something happen?" His gaze is searching, analytical even moments after waking up. His hair is messy, face soft and open without his glasses. His eyebrows are furrowed in uncharacteristic worry. Yata's chest aches fiercely. All the words are lodged in his throat.

 

"Come here." Saruhiko reaches out and pulls him into a hug, letting Yata's head rest on his collarbone. "Tell me what's wrong."

 

"I love you," Yata sobs into his chest. "So much." There's a split-second of hesitation, the only indication that Saru's startled, and then he's running his fingers through Yata's hair, taking things in stride as he always does.

 

"I know, shh. I know."

 

"I'm so sorry, I should have protected you..."

 

"From what, silly? I have knives with me all the time," Saruhiko asks amusedly, trying to make him feel better.

 

"From...from everything, God..." Yata is full on crying now, soaking a puddle into his boyfriend's t-shirt. "You must have been hurting s-so much and I never saw..."

 

"Misaki...what are you thinking about?" Saruhiko sounds so confused, and he remembers he's not a mind reader.

 

"I...when...when we were kids...you weren't safe in that house, a-and I just, I just left you there with no one, God I'm  _such an idiot..._ "

 

"Misaki..." Saruhiko pauses, mind spinning. "That...that was a long time ago. You can't blame yourself so much. Don't."

 

"How can you say that?" Yata shudders. "I hurt you so much, on t-top of everything else..."

 

"Because..." Saruhiko takes a deep breath that Yata can feel in his ribs. "Yes, it hurt, but I know you didn't mean to. You didn't know what you were doing. And...Misaki, we were just kids. You had no way of knowing for sure what was..." Saruhiko's hands pause for a moment. "What was happening to me. I don't blame you anymore. I know better than to think it's all your fault, and so should you."

 

"Do you...really think that?" Yata peers up at him.

 

"I do. I'm not angry with you, and what's done is done. So please don't cry anymore." Yata nodded, trying to blink away the last of the tears. 

 

"By the way, who's making you cry? I want a word with him," Saruhiko says lightly, lips curling into a smile.

 

"He's...he's a real asshole," Yata got out, a small laugh escaping.

 

"Really, now? Maybe I should beat him up? That might teach him a lesson." 

 

"Maybe we should assassinate him." Saruhiko pouts a little.

 

"That's just rude."

 

"...I'm not the rude one between us."

 

"Okay, guilty as charged." Saruhiko chuckles. "Go back to sleep. Don't plot my demise."

 

"Mmhm." Truth be told, Yata is already feeling drowsy again. "Watch your back."

"I always do." Saruhiko throws one leg over Yata's, closing his eyes. "Rest, okay? We're busy tomorrow."

 

"Yeah, okay." Yata sighs, wiping at his face before lying down again. They lay there in silence for a while, Saru's arms still around his shoulders.

 

"Saru?"

 

"Mm."

 

"Love you." Saru smiles against his hair.

 

"Love you, too," he whispers. 

 

And just in this moment, in the dark...nothing hurts anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so dissatisfied with this ending but fjsjfks ;;

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk lots in the comments! thank you for reading my fics!
> 
> come scream at me about k project, or anything really:  
> @lunatic_yoongi on twitter  
> @scepterofstardust on kkt


End file.
